Baby?

Excited?… So were we.

I woke up the morning after Halloween and realized I was a day late for my period which got me really excited because, as you guys know, we’ve been trying for baby #3. Even though it was still so early I decided to take a pregnancy test and then went to change Carter. In the middle of me changing Carter’s poopy diaper, the Clear Blue digital read “Pregnant”. I started laughing and crying all at the same time. Cody was on his way home and I was so excited to tell him that after 6 months of trying, we made a Disney baby!! 

For four days we were on cloud 9. I was so stinking happy. WE were so stinking happy. We were going to welcome our third baby in July and we would already be all moved into the new house which was even closer to our hospital. We started talking about needing to replace my car because it can barely fit the two car seats we have now in it and trying to explain to the girls that they were about to get another sibling. We were just blissfully making plans and even calling the baby by the names we had on the ready for the next little addition.

Then day five happened.

I was in the nail salon and I couldn’t stop smiling. I love babies and here we were about to have another one. I remember telling myself to stop smiling because I probably looked like a psycho sitting here smiling to myself. But I couldn’t. When they finished my nails I got up to use the bathroom and that’s when the nightmare started.

There was blood in the toilet.

I lost it.

Naturally, my first thought was that I must be miscarrying. I was so scared. I drove home through tears and broke down in Cody’s arms.

I took a Clear Blue Rapid Test and it showed a negative sign meaning “Not Pregnant” and then called my doctor and told them everything that happened. They told me that chances are I experienced a false positive pregnancy test the first time because if I had miscarried my hormones would still be telling the test that I was pregnant, that it wouldn’t change that quickly.

So we went from celebrating being pregnant to believing we lost the baby to find out there never was a baby! I had emotional whiplash. I had no idea how to feel or what to think but I was exhausted. 

Yes, I’m very grateful that it wasn’t a miscarriage and there was no life lost. Absolutely. 

But I’m angry with these pregnancy tests. If you guys remember back when I was pregnant with Carter, I was 2 months with no period, and every pregnancy test I took said that I wasn’t pregnant but when I went to see my OB to find out what was going on, guess what? I was pregnant.

Now for it to tell me I am pregnant and it to be wrong feels like a cruel joke.

I understand that some of you might think this isn’t a big deal because there was never actually a baby and the logical part of me understands where you’re coming from. The emotional part of me is bruised. We’re going on 7 months of trying now and I am a little more nervous with each passing month that we won’t get another baby. There was a physical weight lifted off of me when we thought we were pregnant and now that weight is right back on. I know that I’m the one putting this weight on myself because we already have a beautiful and healthy family but my soul is telling me we aren’t done.

So we’re going to keep trying.

Right now I’m not feeling like it’ll be soon because I’m so emotionally wounded but who knows.

I will say how thankful I am for my family. The girls can put a smile on my face regardless of how hurt I am. They’re absolute lights in this world. And to my husband; there is truly no one better to be vulnerable around. You’re so good at healing me and protecting me and it’s so beautiful. Thank you for being my strength when I feel weak.

I wanted to share this story with all of you because I haven’t been on social media and felt like I needed to explain why. I just haven’t felt like myself the last few days but now I just want to distract myself as much as possible to try to get back to normal but I do ask that you be kind in the comments. Thank you in advance 🤍

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